


Roger the Slav

by shanky_unit



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 80s Russia, Adidas, Blood and Violence, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fighting, Gen, Gun Violence, I will add more tags later, KGB, Russia, Satire, Threats of Violence, USSR, Violence, bullshit, gunfight, i am aboutta use my basic Russian skills for this so it's going to be weird, slav, tonnes of dumbass bullshit, Русский | Russian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24254977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shanky_unit/pseuds/shanky_unit
Summary: Dumb-ass and trashy crack fic about an alternate universe where Roger Taylor is adopted by Russian parents. But Roger is a Russian now so his name is Rogachyov Titov. He lived a relatively peaceful life and all was looking good but noooooooooooo one day his Russian stepparents got arrested by the KGB for "possessing a Westerner". Only cause of this Rogachyov knew he was adopted. Now the KGB are after him. With the help of John Deacon and Brian May (both are Brit spies), together they escape the USSR, and along the way Farrokh Bulsara came to join them to escape the USSR.(((the year set in this fic is 1982)))(((there's gonna be a lot of bs in this fic so be prepared.)))
Kudos: 1





	Roger the Slav

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyo, this is my first ever fic so there are going to be tonnes of mistakes and I'm truly sorry for that. Second, I got this idea of Roger Taylor becomes a Russian when I read about how vodka was Roger's favourite drink lmao. 
> 
> AND if there's anything in this fic that offended you in any way, then I want to say that I'm truly sorry.  
> Words that are in Italics are words that are spoken in another language (aka Russian) but was typed out in English since my Russian is not on pro level yet.
> 
> Roger Taylor = Rogachyov Titov  
> Freddie Mercury = Farrokh Bulsara  
> Brian May and John Deacon = British spies  
> vodka = holy water 
> 
> ***Despite Google Translate existing, I still decided to use my Russian skills for this fic. So there are going to be a lot of Russian grammar mistakes (sorry for that though). So, if you know Russian and spotted the mistakes, please tell me. Thanks.*** 
> 
> **Without further ado... ENJOY!**

It was a stormy night in the USSR, Michael and Winifred Taylor were now in the hands of the KGB. They were Western spies disguising as Russians to spy the USSR and the evil plans they might have stored in their minds. They soon discovered Stalin and his commie bois are planning to start a nuke war with not only le Brits but also the Americans (and the entire world), they almost successfully send the information to the Brits about a secret nuke war plan the USSR have been planning but unfortunately got busted when the computers they were using to send the info made a little too much noise.

In the questioning room, where Michael Taylor and Winifred Taylor were tied to a chair, a tall, sharp jawline and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) man that obviously have a lot of abs judging from how tight his uniform is( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) , which was one of the KGB officers exclaimed to Michael Taylor, "что ты и этот сука делади??!"

"How dare you call my wife that!" Michael Taylor exclaimed.

"твоя жена сука! >:)))))))))" The tall, sharp jawline and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) man that obviously have a lot of abs judging from how tight his uniform is( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KGB officer replied. Even after delivering the insult his grin was still visible. He obviously has no respect for women (#woemnrights2069)(#canceltheKGB)

"Fuck you!" Michael being the protective husband stood up for his woman.

"у нас есть твой дети. хахахахаха"

"Bullshit!" Michael Taylor exclaimed. There is no way the KGB got their child, they don't even know their child exists.

"Truth is, Maxim... or should I say.. Michael? We, have been spying on you and your wife ever since you two sneaked into our Motherland with your *coughs coughs* *does the vomiting gesture* existence.." His face went from radiating dickhead energy to radiating scary smexy stare energy.

"H-how did you knew my real name-" Michael was about to finish his sentence but unfortunately the KGB officer interrupted, "Michael I have just stated how. Bro were u even listening damn" The tall, sharp jawline and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) man that obviously have a lot of abs judging from how tight his uniform is( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KGB officer was disappointed.

The KGB knew that from the day Michael and Winifred Taylor registered themselves as Maxim and Amelina Borisovich, they were spies. They have been watching them since then. Soon, they also found out that they have a child, a baby. His name was Roger Meddows Taylor. They had spent their time kidnapping the innocent baby. Unfortunately, Roger even as an infant was too much of a gremlin for the KGB to kidnap. They did successfully kidnapped baby Roger though, but it took a lot of time which leads to the reason why they didn't arrest Michael and Winifred Taylor earlier if they had found out about them earlier.

"We spent too much time capturing this little сука of yours, like jesus buddy wtf is up with your baby, but we also spent enough time to know more about you and your family and everyone that have any relations to you. So, no matter where you run, we (emphasize on the WE) will always find you. ты не могу останови нас, Michael" The KGB officer grinned. It was getting more obvious now that Michael and Winifred Taylor cannot escape them and this is it, this is their end. Even if both could untie themselves from the chair and yeet the KGB officer effortlessly like they usually would do to their foes, they would then soon be stormed by many KGB officers that awaits for them outside the questioning room and beyond. After all, they are still in the USSR so there was no way they could escape.

"Now, before we.. give you both an eternal chance to meet God, we need you to answer some few questions. Don't worry, it's as easy as-" The KGB officer was then interrupted by Winifred questioning, "Wait.. 'we'? There is another person in this room? Huh, as far as I can tell, there is only you in this room, besides us of course."

"holy shet buddy, just let me do my thang, kay? Trynna assert dominance here." The tall, sharp jawline and ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) man that obviously have a lot of abs judging from how tight his uniform is( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KGB officer was again, disappointed.

"oh ok sure homie, do yo thingy" Winifred nodded as she understood the pain the officer is going through. It's very sad when you're trying to assert dominance as a forever-omega and then being interrupted by some Brit spies. It is truly heart-breaking :((((((

"How did you two sneaked into our Motherland? Who helped you both?" The KGB officer asked.

"Ha! It's easy. Me and Winifred were simply too gremlin for you commie lads to catch us, which answers your question on "wtf is up with our baby" Our baby has our gremlin energy too." Michael gave a dishonest smile to the officer. The officer was visibly annoyed.

"Right.." The officer can feel his anger rising up, he can feel the urges to punch them both bitches. "But it's impossible for you two to get through our defenses like that. Our defenses are guarded by the Motherland's strongest soldiers and the strongest weapons."

"Fine, we did got help." Michael sighed. The KGB officer smiled, finally this couple are making sense now.

"Now would you kindly tell me who were these people or just at least where they lived?"

None of them answered. The KGB officer then forced them to answer, he even went as far as twisting Michael's right arm just to get an answer but they still refused to. He then pulled out a knife, threatening to slit Winifred's throat and said, "Tell me. Or she, gone." The chair Winifred was tied into was right beside Michael but it wasn't near enough for Michael to stop the KGB officer. His twisted arm won't allow him either.

Even in such circumstances, Michael Taylor still won't give in. After all, Winifred would be dead either way. The KGB officer got even more angrier, so he went up to Michael and punched him right into his face. He continued to punch until Winifred, who was worried of her husband shouted to the officer to stop. "Enough!" She shouted. "I will tell you if you just stop."

The officer laughed instead, he knew she wasn't going to actually tell him. "Nice try, Winifred. But until then I think me and your husband here are, almost done." In an instant he pulled out his pistol and aimed the pistol to her husband. With his left hand holding the pistol, he turns his head to face Winifred, "One more chance, or you two.." The KGB officer made a shooting gesture with his right hand. He chuckled afterwards.

Michael Taylor looked at his wife. Something in his facial expression that tells his wife that it's better to just keep her mouth silence. Michael even gave her a small smile, telling her it's ok, just let him die. Winifred Taylor wanted to just tell the KGB officer everything she know just so the officer can stop torturing her husband, but she knew even if she tell him, both are going to die anyways and the KGB will have what they want so there was no point. Winifred gave Michael a pity smile, a smile signalling a goodbye. Unfortunately, there was really no way out.

The officer chuckled. He then said, "Huh, you two sweet birds really rather die." He grinned, obviously feeling happy that he can finally kill this two British spies. "I guess your baby is going to grow up without his parents then." Michael and Winifred Taylor felt devastated at the thought, but they had no choice. If they were to be alive in some way, then the baby will have to live his life running away from the commies, and that's not the peaceful life the couple wanted for their child. They want their child to live a normal life, to live a life where he grows up as someone successful, and just someone that will grow up as a good person, and maybe.. who knows if their child would become someone that many would admire and look up to? So unfortunately, they had to die. It's for the good of everyone.

Then suddenly, someone knocked on the door of the questioning room. The KGB officer pulled open the door but just only a little bit so it was only part of his face facing whoever knocked the door. It was unclear of who it was but from the looks of it, it's obviously another KGB officer. Michael Taylor couldn't properly hear what the officer was saying as he was far deep into the room. Winifred, however was much nearer to the door so she can hear much clearly what were they talking about. It was just muffled sounds of Russians speaking to each other but as she intently listens, something no good was obviously up on their way.

Then the KGB officer nodded and he closed the door. He then turned to look at the couple. He slowly went up to the Michael, then said, "пока, блять." And in an instant, he shoot him right into his head. Michael Taylor is now just a dead body tied to a chair. At least, on the bright side, it ended his pain. Winifred Taylor could only watch, she inhaled deeply as she tries to suppress her emotions away, this is really not a right time to mourn.

"You deserve all the hell, you son of a bitch." She said with a low but angry tone, with her head facing downwards. It doesn't sound too clear but it was clear enough that the officer heard what she said, there was some silence afterwards. The silence lasted quite long enough for Winifred to look up, but she didn't had any time to say anything, because once she lifted her head she got a punch straight into her face, then 'BANG'. She got shot. Now Winifred Taylor is a lifeless body tied to a chair like her husband too. Something about what she said triggered the officer so much that he shot her not because he was ordered to, but it was straight out from his emotions.

He then left the room, shutting the door and leaving them two dead just like that.

"Вы делали это?" An officer asked, it was the same officer that knocked on the door just before the deaths of Michael and Winifred Taylor.

"да, Они мертвы." The KGB officer replied, despite the tone he's actually very happy about it. "How are the higher ups are going to know about who helped them if we have killed them?" The KGB officer asked. The other officer answered, "Because we have found a lead, мой друг. So they were useless."

" _Good.. so who are these traitors?_ " The KGB officer asked.

" _That's where we are heading right now. We are going to hunt these traitors of the Motherland. They will tell us the details, and we just do our jobs._ "

The two officers walked side by side, talking about the what the tasks that will be assigned to them and even joking at the same time. However, unnoticed to them, someone was watching. This someone was holding something in his hands, and he looks like he's trying to hush the object he's holding. He was watching them through a glass in a door of a dark room he's hiding in. As the officers walked out of the hallway, that someone made his way out of the door, slowly shutting the door and exposing himself to the bright lights of the hallway. This someone turns out to be a KGB officer too, but despite his pretty muscular body, he was still smaller than the KGB officers earlier. As no one was looking, he hushed the object, telling something to the object in Russian. He slowly made his way out of the hallway, this was dangerous as the hallway has only one exit, and the exit is the same exit that the KGB officers earlier had gone out to.

He then went out of the exit, slowly shutting the door behind him. He gulped, feared that he might get caught. He inhaled and went down the stairs. As he arrived into another hallway, everything was quiet, it looks like it was safe enough for the officer to go through. But then, he was slowly pacing quickly as he heard other KGB officers were nearby, walking and shutting and opening doors behind him. Then, he instantly turned left to a door that leads to another room. It was a boiler room, but it was small enough to fear the claustrophobic officer. It seems like he is running around nowhere, turning left and right with no repeating patterns, but then he came to a halt. He exhaled in relief as he saw a door in front of him, but then the object he was holding made a cry, it turns out to be a baby. The officer tried his best to hush the baby, continuously muttering something in Russian to the baby. After some few long minutes, he successfully made the baby to be quiet. He caressed the baby, giving it a small kiss on the baby's forehead.

He went into the door in front of him. The door leaded him into some underground tunnel, the tunnel he went through seems to be never-ending. The tunnel seems to be descending as the officer kept on going. He then arrived somewhere stinky, and ugly. It was the sewers, there were puddles and smell of stink that really almost made him vomit. But he didn't let that stop him, that cannot and must not stop him as he can't let this baby just die in the hands of the KGB. He went through the sewers, turning around corners and corners and the officer had to stop suddenly. He looked around and suddenly smiled as he walked quickly to a much more smaller tunnel. This tunnel was part of the large sewer system and it leads him to a shallow river. The shallow river was quite far away from the building he was in almost half an hour ago, so he is safe from any KGB officers for now.

He crouched and waited behind the bars of the sewer tunnel. He anxiously waited until he saw a small group of people from afar. The small group then ran to the officer, water splashing as they ran. As the small group of people came near the officer, the officer handed out the baby to them through the bars of the sewer tunnel. After that, he gave them a nod and a small smile and then soon disappeared back into the sewers behind him. The group didn't wasted any time waiting, they instantly ran away. While they run, the baby cried again but the man holding the baby didn't do anything about it. All of them were too focused on escaping. Then they climbed up the small hill that surrounded on the both sides of the shallow river and headed to a car parked just a few feet away from the river.

They hopped into the car, and drove the car away.


End file.
